One of the wonderful people I teach has told me about some of the challenges she faced in her childhood. She was the only daughter of a mother who held very traditional views, particularly about gender roles.
While her two brothers were encouraged to confidently venture into the world, she always felt she’d been held back. Her mother wanted her to be a dainty young woman who dressed and behaved attractively, while her desire to study and build a career was frowned upon. Instead, her mother thought she should set her sights on marriage and nurturing a family. This difference of beliefs coloured her young adulthood and although she did pursue a career, it wasn’t in the field to which she’d originally aspired.
In the way she recounted the story of her childhood her mother came across as an overbearing presence, deeply religious and with a conviction that she was always right. Over time, she had come to realise that as a child she had an unquestioning need to please her mother. She believed that the life choices she’d made and the way she felt held back revolved entirely around her dominating mother. Recently, though, she’d begun to question this narrative.
A particular example was how, as a child, her mother told her that her pastry-making was the best. As far as she can remember, from that day on she always had to make the pastry for family pies and for special occasions. She resented this and felt her mother had manipulated her into this responsibility, but eager to please she dutifully made the pastry whenever required.
Not long ago she met up with a friend in a local cafe, and over coffee they’d idly chatted about the pastries. She was reminded of the burden she’d felt as being the ‘best pastry maker’ at home many years ago, and revealed to her friend that she still carried this weight of resentment around with her. During the conversation, her friend remarked ‘I love your pastry! Has it ever occurred to you that yours was actually better than your mother’s?’ She hadn’t.
In that moment she was reminded of the work we’d been doing together. Part of my job is to help people identify different perspectives and offer alternative ways of looking at things. One of my objectives is to invite the people I teach to consider those options and decide which they feel resonates with them.
Her friend’s remark struck home. This was exactly one such example of how a long-held belief could be challenged and overcome by taking a different perspective. Suddenly, she felt released from the burden that had made her so unhappy. Her heart soared as she realised the compliment was true.
Seeing something in this new way opened other doors. She could now identify the ways in which she’d succeeded, rather than perceiving herself as having been held back by her upbringing. She’d raised two independent young women who have interesting and fulfilling careers while excelling in her own career, making many good friends and being sought-after company. The burden was lifted at last.
We often talk about self-limiting beliefs in terms of experience and childhood memories. It’s so liberating to break free of those limitations when we change an attitude or belief.