One of the most surprising things about being human is that so much of what we think of another person may actually have little to do with them and a lot to do with us. I’ve come to understand this through my training and the many people I have worked with in the Resolving Chronic Pain (RCP) process. I firmly believe that our minds can artfully project our own fears, insecurities, hopes and unspoken beliefs onto others. We may genuinely think we’re seeing others clearly, when in reality we’re often looking at a reflection of ourselves.
For many of us, raised in a culture that encourages emotional restraint, politeness and ‘not getting notions’, projection is an unconscious habit. Direct emotional expression seems to be rare in many households. Children learn to make sense of the world by guessing, assuming, or filling in the blanks instead of talking things through. Those early ways of interpreting the behaviour and actions of others can follow us into adulthood, shaping our relationships, the decisions we make and our self-awareness.
What is projection?
Projection is a psychological defence mechanism through which we attribute our own thoughts, feelings or traits onto someone else. Instead of recognising ‘I’m feeling angry’, we might think ‘They’re being very aggressive’. Instead of admitting ‘I’m insecure’, we might conclude ‘They think they’re better than me’. Projection can show up in simple everyday moments such as:
Assuming someone is judging you when actually you are judging yourself
Believing another person is annoyed with you when you feel uneasy
Labelling someone as ‘cold’ because you’re afraid of rejection
Interpreting someone’s confidence as arrogance because it triggers your own self-doubt
In each of these cases, we’re mistaking our internal world for external reality.
Projection develops as an unconscious defence mechanism. It may feel safer to disown uncomfortable parts of ourselves. If we grow up without emotional safety—for example where anger, sadness or vulnerability are not tolerated, or where showing these traits is unwelcome—then we will likely suppress those feelings.
As adults, it takes a concerted effort to recognise these buried emotions in ourselves, but doing this is a key part of the RCP process. Without that recognition, we can regard these suppressed feelings as distinct from us by seeing them in other people. It’s not intentional; it’s a survival strategy the mind uses to avoid discomfort. In our culture we’re often taught to be humble, compliant or self-deprecating. This means a lot of emotional material can get buried under humour, silence, stoicism or religion. This environment makes projection more likely because we haven’t had the opportunity to learn to openly name our inner experiences.
Strategies for dealing with projection
The good news is that projection can be unlearned. The key is developing the capacity to notice what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else.
Pause before you interpret
When you feel triggered by someone’s behaviour, ask yourself: ‘Is this really true?’ As many of you know, this single question can shift your entire perspective.Turn your attention inward
Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing, explore what’s happening inside you. Ask yourself: What emotion am I feeling? Is a long-held belief being activated? Does this remind me of something familiar from my earlier life? Usually, the story becomes clearer when you look inward rather than outward.Use curiosity instead of making assumptions
If something feels off, ask yourself gentle questions. Remember: clarification dissolves projection; assumption amplifies it.Build emotional vocabulary
The more precisely you can name your own feelings, the less you unconsciously place them on others. It might help to consult an ‘Emotion Wheel’ to identify and name the range of emotions you are capable of feeling. I know that many people I teach find it very revealing. Recognising the nuances between various emotional traits can open up your inner world.Slow down your reactions
Safety comes when you slow down, take a breath and empower yourself with each step. Projection tends to thrive in speed and stress, whereas self-awareness can grow in the pauses we create.
Projection isn’t a flaw. It’s a sign that your mind has learned to protect you in the absence of emotional safety. As adults, we have the chance to develop clarity. By learning to recognise the essence of ourselves, our adult beliefs and our own emotions, we become familiar with our inner dialogue and internal sensations. Once we comprehend our inner world, we’re ready to free others from carrying our burdens and see them—and ourselves—more truthfully.