When Charlie started working with me some time ago, he told me he’d seen therapists in the past who had helped him contain some of his symptoms. Unfortunately, though, his chronic stomach issues had persisted and even increased over time. After we began work together he made huge progress in resolving this problem and, importantly, came to understand the cause of his neuroplastic symptoms.
I asked Charlie to consider writing a letter to his former self. We discussed various age bands that he might select from, and in the end he chose to go for the “19-year-old me, feeling hopeless and in agony.” He’d done his Leaving Certificate and left school, and assumed things would improve. Sadly, they didn’t.
As a teenager, Charlie had to endure an extremely difficult situation at home that at times felt intolerable. Looking back, he can pinpoint certain times when he kept quiet in order not to draw attention to himself. Although he was diligent, studying was an uphill battle as he was always hypervigilant at home. It’s hard to concentrate when you don’t feel safe.
This is the letter Charlie wrote to himself, reproduced with his permission.
I am writing to you to tell you to keep hope. I know you have been hurting for years, and I know right now you feel like nobody is really listening to you. You are in the hospital yet again, getting countless tests that seem to be going nowhere. You feel like nobody believes you, and that somehow you are making it up. At this stage, you are even starting to question yourself. But I need you to know this, you are not making it up, and you are not crazy.
You have endured a horrible spell of extreme stomach pain, along with so many other symptoms that neither you nor anyone around you can explain. You feel scared, drained, hopeless and alone. But please keep going. One day, things will start to make sense. One day, someone will help you understand what is happening, and that understanding will change everything.
There is a new understanding of chronic pain, and it is what you are dealing with. What you are feeling is real physical pain, but it is not because you are broken or that you have some sinister disease. Your body has been living under a roof of anger, frustration, loudness, belittling and sadness for far too long. Deep down, you already know the toll this has taken on you. I am here to tell you that your pain makes sense. Your body has been stuck in survival mode for years. It has been carrying fear, stress, anxiety, anger and trauma for far too long.
Charlie now recognises the importance of feeling safe, and the impact this had at the time on his ability to concentrate. Nowadays he is successful at work, and recently recruited another member of staff for whom he is responsible for ‘onboarding’ (orienting and training with the company). This has been a great learning experience for Charlie, as he’s noticed just how experienced he is by comparison. His role requires him to speak up in meetings, and over the time that we’ve worked together he has become much more confident at contributing to these meetings. He can even say no occasionally, remaining calm and assertive as he justifies his objections. That’s an amazing achievement for someone who has a history of not being listened to.
The pain is real, the fear is real, and the suffering is real. But the good news is that this can change, and it will.
You are not dramatic. You are not weak. You are not attention-seeking, no matter what some people say, even your own family. You are someone whose body has been overwhelmed for a long time. You have become trapped in a vicious cycle of pain and fear, where the symptoms scare you, and that fear feeds the symptoms even more. None of this is your fault. You don’t have to fear the symptoms anymore.
Charlie slowly became aware that he automatically suppressed his feelings and emotional responses. His relationship with his long-term girlfriend is built on trust. They’ve formed a deep bond and support each other emotionally. Charlie feels safe with her. Leaning into this, he has been able to take a tentative look at the anger that exists beneath the surface of his everyday amiable exterior.
You have also had to carry so much anger for so long. At 19, you do not really know how to let it out or process it properly, so a lot of it stays trapped inside you. But that changes too. We learn how to process that anger better now. We stop bottling everything up and pretending we are fine. We start to let it out in healthier ways, by writing, by feeling it, by speaking more honestly about what hurts us. We could still be doing more, and we will. But you do not have to carry that anger along in your body forever.
Through the Resolving Chronic Pain process, Charlie is using tools that release physical tension, as well as processing his anger through written and verbal expression. At the same time, he has developed empathetic insight. This is how he ends his letter to his 19-year-old self:
For now, I just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you as a person. Your body is not betraying you. It is responding to everything it has had to carry. You are still worthy of being believed. You are still safe. And one day, all of this will begin to make sense.