It’s that time of year again. Some of us will be excited and looking forward to the festive chaos, while others will want the whole thing to simply be over.
I remember a wonderful patient - I’ll call her Sian - who was so thoughtful, kind and observant, despite having endured years of pain when I first met her. It was in early November, and she was already becoming anxious about Christmas. She told me how her pain would escalate at Christmas, but had no idea why. The whole extended family gathered in Cork for the festive season, and she was excited to see relatives that she only caught up with once a year. Sleeping arrangements were fraught, with everyone packed in to two or three houses.
Thankfully, Sian was always allotted her own room and although it was tiny, she really appreciated the privacy. So why did her pain escalate? Every year she prayed that she’d manage to sit it out at the communal table for the whole of the Christmas day dinner. She helped with preparing food, entertained younger cousins, fetched cups of tea for elderly relatives and wrapped presents with her mother and sister. Then, every year, as the family sat around the huge table laden with traditional food that Sian loved, the creeping pain she’d tried to hold at bay would explode out of control. She usually had to excuse herself before she’d eaten anything. But despite Sian’s fears, it didn’t happen the Christmas that came just six weeks after she’d started working through the resolving chronic pain methodology.
As the festive season approaches, it’s tempting to adopt your ‘fun’ persona to please whoever you come across at social gatherings and parties whether this may be at work, with neighbours, fellow members of an evening class or with friends and family. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s exhausting! Maintaining a version of yourself is draining, because it’s covering up who you really are, masking your authentic self. It can feel like you’re leading a double life.
Ask yourself some questions, gently and without self-judgement.
What if your inner and outer selves were in alignment, and you could express who you really are and abide by your true values and beliefs? Might that be a huge relief?
For whose benefit are you performing a version of yourself that you believe to be more acceptable that your real self?
Can you think about what could be possible if you didn’t have to do that anymore?
Think about how you can start to encourage yourself to instigate a move towards an integrated self, so that you present as yourself without relying on any of your polished personas, whatever the circumstances. Here are a few ideas that may help:
Lean in to whatever fills your cup: breathing, walking, painting, crafts, art, music, writing
Introduce humour, listen to a funny podcast, watch a comedy show, practice telling bad jokes. Actively choose lightness and laughter.
Use quiet moments to reflect on what you’re grateful for, what supports you, and your desired outlook on life. Whenever you can, write down the things you’re grateful for.
Try to stay consistent. Make time for your routines: walking, meditating, mindfulness, reading, exercise.
Slow down. Stay in the present moment and notice nature’s beauty. Give yourself the opportunity to tune inwards and reconnect with the essence of you.
Gravitate towards people you feel safe with, who are warm and encouraging. Practice complimenting others and smiling to lift your spirits and theirs.
So how did Sian manage to eat Christmas dinner with her large, loud and fun family for the first time? She recognised that it was perfectly all right to take time for herself and for her to be her authentic, sensitive self with her family. She didn’t people-please, and after each course she slipped out quietly and went for a short walk, listened to calming music on her headphones in her room, or read on her bed for five minutes. After this she returned to the table. She didn’t announce what she was doing but quietly attended to her needs. The wine and banter continued to flow around the table, and nobody even noticed her short absences.