I recently heard the American writer, actor and (as it turns out) pig owner Lena Dunham talking to comedian Amy Poehler on the latter’s podcast, Good Hang. The two were discussing how a lot of people, women in particular, can be over-generous and indulgent in relationships without asking for anything in return. The result, perhaps inevitably, is resentment and distress.
The conversation then turned towards pigs. Dunham explained that her pig-trainer mentor had warned her that house pigs can develop a condition called ‘Spoilt Pig Syndrome’ if they’re over-indulged and given treats without being expected to do anything to earn them. When the pig is asked to do something it rebels, adopting a ‘why should I?’ attitude. It can become aggressive and destructive. As Dunham said, comparing this with the way she’d behaved in her own human relationships, at the end of the day you have an entitled ‘spoilt pig’ and it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
The problem arises when the response to whatever thoughtful words or gestures you habitually offer others develops into expectation rather than gratitude, and you find that you’re being taken for granted. Putting everyone else first can, and often does, enable disrespect. Many times in the past I’ve sat down after getting everyone a drink, only to slowly register an uncomfortable feeling when I realise that I’ve forgotten to get one for myself. I’m getting a bit better at that now. It’s pertinent to valuing yourself and your own needs, and is a change I want to see both in myself and the people I teach. It’s about being assertive, setting firm boundaries and communicating expectations. Although the idea might feel alien and uncomfortable, it’s important to acknowledge that kindness and thoughtfulness deserve to be rewarded.
Suzanne realised just recently that she’d been giving some of the people she loved permission to treat her very badly. She’d come to me with chronic back pain after a relative had referred her. The pain was agonising and she was determined to courageously address anything that might be contributing to her symptoms. We tackled one thing at a time to avoid overwhelm. In a way it was like putting out fires. Suzanne discovered, over time, that there were many layers to her neuroplastic symptoms. She worked diligently through the Resolving Chronic Pain process and her back pain eased quite quickly, but there was so much more to unravel.
One of the things that takes time is changing habits, particularly If it involves the survival method learned in childhood of ‘staying small’ and keeping quiet in order to avoid unwanted, finger-pointing attention. The result of this is that people-pleasing behaviours become normalised. These habits might include over-apologising even if you’ve done nothing wrong, changing your opinion mid-sentence to avoid conflict, avoiding difficult conversations, saying ‘it’s grand’ when really it isn’t, and possibly feeling responsible for other people’s moods.
When I wrote about this in January’s blog, ‘Why do we people-please?’ I listed four techniques you might try to help you stop this behaviour. Suzanne worked on the first two, pausing and small resistances. For the fourth, she’d already found safe support in the RCP process. The third one was about connecting with yourself. Suzanne, like everyone I teach, thought she already did this, and yet it turned out not to be the case. People-pleasers often don’t know what they genuinely want. They need to work on their self-confidence.
Suzanne started to ask herself these difficult questions: What do I need right now? What do I think? What would I choose if I wasn’t afraid of disappointing someone? Here is an excerpt from a letter written to me by Suzanne yesterday:
“I am working hard on building my own confidence, trusting myself, listening to my body, and making healthier choices based on my own needs rather than other people’s expectations. I can see how often I’ve prioritised pleasing others instead of being true to myself. Going forward, I want to continue investing in the people and relationships that genuinely matter, honouring my own needs, maintaining healthy boundaries and appreciating all the many good things I already have in my life.”
Suzanne was brave enough to acknowledge she had enabled her brother’s bad behaviour. Even more shocking was her realisation that she had watched her mother enable her dad’s behaviour for years. Her mother then went on to allow both her brother and his wife to behave in an entitled way.
It was a tough realisation for Suzanne, particularly when she saw how she had followed suit with her own relationships.
“I am working towards accepting my brother for who he is, rather than remaining angry at who he isn’t. I’ve realised how much emotional energy and mental space I have given him over the years. His behaviour, whether it’s ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment or excluding me in subtle ways, has affected me more than I wanted to admit. I now see that I have been seeking validation, support and approval from him in much the same way I have sought it from my father and also, in the past, from my partners.”
Nobody wants to be surrounded by entitled people but it takes enormous courage to recognise the part we might have played in cultivating their Spoilt Pig Syndrome. Thank you, Lena Dunham, for this wonderful analogy.