At some point in the Resolving Chronic Pain process, the question of difficult conversations seems to come up. Someone might say ‘Now I know myself better, I want to set some firm but loving boundaries with my family. How do I do that?’ I usually advocate for self-disclosure.
As it happens, I had to follow my own advice recently when talking to a medic with whom I work closely. It felt so uncomfortable but we got through it, and our professional relationship is as close as it ever was. Phew!
This is how it went. We began the call with some chit-chat and then I admitted that I’d been wanting to talk about something. Immediately I said, ‘I’m so embarrassed and I feel both uncomfortable and upset that I need to ask this, but I hope you’ll agree it’s better to clear the air.’ He squirmed with discomfort and told me it must be bad for me to put myself through this - and it was. Thankfully, we were able to sort things out and I was asked to always say if anything else like that cropped up. As in this case, the peculiar mix of vulnerability and courage that comes with disclosing your own discomfort can create a good starting point.
It’s always tempting to delay having a difficult conversation, specially when it’s with someone you care about or see often. We put it off, hoping and praying that things will get better on their own. They don’t, usually, but tough conversations are far less daunting if you have clear steps to follow - like starting with admitting to how you’re feeling, as I did. Here are some other suggestions:
Choose an appropriate moment. Finding the right time and the right place are crucial
Tough conversations should generally be done in private
Approach the other person when things seem calm, not heated
Let them know that the conversation is important to you
Talking in person is best, because you can read the cues in a way you can’t on a phone or other device
Mirror the other person’s body language: this helps create common ground
Consider having the discussion outside. If you’re walking side by side or sitting on a park bench you’re not staring into each other’s eyes, which can be difficult for some people. You can take a break to look at your surroundings if things get tense.
It’s often a good idea to give the other person a heads-up that this may be a difficult conversation by letting them know at the start, in a neutral way, that you’ve been bothered about something. For example, ‘I’d like to get something off my chest’ or ‘I’d like to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind.’ If it’s important to set a collaborative tone, you might say ‘I need your help with something that’s bothering me.’ This helps to put you on the same team and can prevent the other person from feeling defensive.
Don’t say ‘We need to talk’. This almost invariably triggers anxiety or a defensive response and sets the stage for conflict. If possible, always say ‘Can we make time to talk about our credit card bill/car repairs/washing machine?’ or whatever the topic is. Being specific will help set the scene.
It’s never pleasant to have a challenging discussion, but it’s even worse when the other person has no idea that it’s coming. Keep calm and stay on-message by establishing a three-part goal for yourself:
What you want the other person to know
What you want them to feel
What you want them to do.
Write down your answers beforehand if it’s helpful. Then, if the conversation derails, you can keep returning to your goal, which will help you stay grounded. When the conversation is taking place, remember that you can’t control their reaction or behaviour but you can control yours. Matt Abrahams, a lecturer at Stanford University, suggests using paraphrasing as a tool to stay the course. His advice is to simply repeat what the other person is saying in your own words. This validates their point of view and can help calm them down. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with them, it just demonstrates that you’ve heard them and allows you to get back to your point.
At the end of the conversation try to always thank the other person, which leaves the door open for further discussion. It can be informal, along the lines of ‘I really appreciate that you were willing to work this through with me.’ If you do come to a resolution, you might consider briefly summarizing it in a way that’s clear to both of you. Ask them if they agree with your summary and adjust accordingly if you need to. Alternatively, if you haven’t resolved the issue, you might say ‘I hope you hear that I really want to work this out with you’, and suggest that you revisit the subject later.
Difficult conversations are just that. Difficult. They often need time and aren’t over and done with in one go. But with the right strategies and frame of mind you can handle them.