Protecting your body and mind from hidden stress
In my work supporting individuals to resolve chronic pain, combat anxiety and other stress illness conditions, one issue repeatedly emerges: unresolved emotional stress. It plays a significant role in sustaining these conditions.
One often-overlooked source of this stress is ongoing exposure to narcissistic behaviour in others. I’ve worked with several people who have, and still are, negotiating the fallout from their narcissistic mothers and - less common but still notable - narcissistic partners. Recognising narcissistic behaviour is the first critical step. It brings the issue into the light. Becoming conscious of it means that we have options and the potential for empowerment.
The roots of the word narcissism can be traced back to the Greek myth of Narcissus, a beautiful young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, leading to his untimely demise. Thanks largely to social media, calling someone a ‘narcissist’ has become very common in recent years to complain about someone who’s self-absorbed or seeks a lot of attention. This over-use of the term has tended to detract from the serious issues that arise from being in a relationship with someone displaying traits of narcissistic personality disorder, a clinically recognised condition.
Narcissism has been recognised as a psychological disorder for a long time, but it wasn’t until fairly recently that it began to be understood as a condition that exists on a spectrum. Two primary types of narcissism have been identified: grandiose and vulnerable. Grandiose narcissism is characterised by overt arrogance and a sense of entitlement, while vulnerable narcissism is associated with covert forms of self-absorption and sensitivity. At its core is a pattern of self-centred thinking, lack of genuine empathy and a need for control or validation.
While some expressions of narcissism are obvious, others can be subtle and, in some ways, more psychologically draining. A covert narcissist may appear humble, kind or even vulnerable on the surface. Beneath this exterior, however, often lies insecurity, manipulation and a need to maintain control in relationships. The contradiction between an individual’s public persona and private behaviour can leave others feeling confused and emotionally destabilised.
You might recognise some of these five common patterns of behaviour:
Passive-aggressive communication rather than open dialogue
Blame-shifting when things go wrong
A persistent victim mentality
Gaslighting, where your perception of reality is questioned or undermined
A lack of genuine empathy, even when sympathy is expressed
Over time, these behaviours can have a profound effect on your nervous system. Many people describe feeling emotionally ‘heavy’, anxious or exhausted after interactions. The body as well as the mind is affected. Chronic emotional stress can keep the body in a heightened state of alert, contributing directly to persistent pain.
Why would someone stay in a relationship with these dynamics, even when it is clearly causing them harm? One way of understanding this is the ‘3 R’s’:
Rumination: repeatedly analysing the relationship and trying to make sense of it
Regret: grieving for what the relationship could have been
Recall (also known as ‘euphoric recall’): focusing on the good moments while minimising the harm.
This cycle can keep you psychologically stuck, even when you recognise the damage that’s being caused. So how do you protect yourself, both emotionally and physically?
The first step is awareness. Recognising narcissistic patterns of behaviour allows you to step away from confusion and self-blame. It helps you understand that what you are experiencing isn’t a reflection of your own worth or your actions. The second step is creating boundaries. Narcissistic individuals often resist boundaries, but clear, consistent limits on what you will and will not tolerate are vital for protecting your energy. This might mean limiting contact, refusing to engage in certain conversations or calmly disengaging from conflict. Thirdly, practise emotional detachment. This doesn’t mean becoming cold or indifferent, but reducing your emotional reactivity. Narcissistic dynamics often thrive on eliciting strong emotional responses. By staying grounded and reacting less, you can reduce the intensity of the interaction and its impact on your peace of mind.
To help with this you can ask grounding questions, either internally or directly. Ask, ‘What part of this do I need to engage with? How would I feel if someone treated somebody I love in this way? What do I truly need to feel good?’ These questions can gently bring you back to your own perspective and needs.
Self-trust and self-compassion are also key. Gaslighting and manipulation erode confidence in the way you see yourself and the world around you. Rebuilding that trust in yourself, through journalling, reflection, talking with a trusted professional or having other supportive conversations, is crucial. Your experience is valid.
Finally, prioritise your peace of mind and the regulation of your nervous system. If your body has been living in a state of chronic stress, it needs constant signals of safety. Gentle movement, breathwork, time in nature, creativity and compassionate self-awareness all help to calm the system. As it settles, many people notice a reduction in the intensity and frequency of their pain.
It’s important to acknowledge that you cannot change a narcissistic individual. Lasting change requires their willingness to engage in deep therapeutic work, which is often unlikely. What is within your control is how your respond, how you protect yourself, and how you care for your body. Chronic or persistent pain isn’t ‘just physical’. It’s the body’s expression of accumulated stress, emotional strain and unresolved tension. By addressing relational stress, you are not only protecting your mental wellbeing but also creating the conditions for physical healing. You deserve relationships that feel safe, respectful and supportive, and your body will thank you for choosing them.