Sally came to me originally with severe back pain. We worked together and, over time, it disappeared.
Sally told me that her family were reasonably supportive when she was making important decisions about her work, and her partner seemed strong and reliable. But as time went on she began to realise that everything wasn’t as OK as she’d wanted to believe, and she started to take a closer look at some of those relationships.
Tragically, Sally had lost her eldest brother, which naturally deeply affected the whole family. In the course of their shared grief she became aware that her younger brother seemed distant. She reached out to him many times to no avail. We discussed how grief affects everyone differently, and I reminded her of the phrase that so many of you will recognise: you can change your own behaviour, but you can’t change someone else’s. Sally understands this and has applied it to tricky situations at work, but she still found her brother’s behaviour unnecessarily antagonistic and unkind.
At the same time, she was feeling uneasy about her relationship with her partner, who had become demanding and dictatorial. Unable to deal with everything at once, Sally decided to put the difficulties in her relationship with her brother on hold. She would continue to be welcoming to his family and loving to his three sons, her nephews, but would take a step back from being closely involved in family events. She switched her focus to the relationship with her partner, which she badly wanted to save. Sadly, the harder she tried to rediscover some common ground, the more uncomfortable she felt.
Something was badly wrong, and one day it hit her what this was. Through our work together Sally had learned to speak up for herself and no longer agreed with everything her partner said, but when she made her own suggestions he didn’t like it. She read up on the traits of narcissism, and concluded that it had always been that way but she simply hadn’t noticed, as she’d been so preoccupied by her back pain and then shattered by grief. Now, as she grew stronger, her partner accused her of challenging him and basically demanded that she did as he told her.
It was with a heavy heart that she thought of ending the relationship. They’d had such good times early on, but the last year or so had been unpleasant. What made it even more distressing for Sally was looking back through a new lens, noticing all the times when she’d felt things weren’t right. Now she could make sense of this and see that this wasn’t a healthy relationship for her to be in, and she walked away.
Ending the relationship of several years still felt raw, but after a few weeks Sally decided to reach out to her brother again. She made several attempts to get together and although at first he didn’t seem keen, he eventually agreed to meet for a coffee. When they met, Sally told him how much she cared about him, and how much she wanted them to get on. She asked him whether he thought they could find a way forward, but was firmly rejected. Her brother only wanted to talk about himself and express his own point of view. He didn’t want to listen to anything Sally had to say.
And so we discussed when it might be time to ‘let it go’. A week or two later I got this message from Sally:
I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened and I’ve come to the conclusion that the healthiest thing for me to do is to simply move forward with greater awareness. One positive outcome from all of this is how much I have learned. I am grateful that I now recognise narcissistic behaviours and the red flags that come with them. I feel more confident in speaking up for myself and in refusing to allow myself to be controlled or treated improperly by other, and I am learning to establish and hold firm boundaries.
At this point, I’ve decided to move on. The situation has taken up far too much of my headspace. Despite everything I feel that I’ve learned a great deal from it and I’m trying to focus on that growth. I am learning and trying really hard not to overthink.