Seth got rid of his debilitating back pain, but how would he move on?
Seth is a building contractor based in Co. Wexford. When he first came to see me last November, he told me he’d been living with persistent and debilitating back pain for several years. It had been thoroughly medically investigated but nothing was found to be wrong. It was a colleague who suggested Seth get in touch with me.
Seth’s father, also a builder, had become critically ill when Seth was in his teens and lived at home as an invalid for years. Seth’s three older siblings had moved on and although they visited and were as supportive as possible, it was mainly Seth who cared for his father’s heavy-duty physical needs during this time, while his mother provided emotional warmth and food for them both.
Seth was very close to his father, who taught him extensively about building-related trades. They worked alongside each other at weekends, and even after his father became incapacitated, Seth still deferred to him about his own work projects. He had great respect for his dad’s knowledge and wisdom, and the two of them would happily spend hours discussing how to solve different issues or problems. When his father was in his final days, he asked Seth to take good care of his mum and to always keep the family close. This was some 20 years ago, when Seth was only 20.
After his father’s death Seth continued for several years following his father’s footsteps in building houses, then gradually moved into commercial building. He now has three large commercial building projects across Ireland, but still finds time to build the odd house when it’s a special case.
Seth is married now with three children of his own, but he told me that he hadn’t been able to enjoy a Christmas since his father’s passing. To his amazement, less than two months after we began work together, he was pain free. He couldn’t believe it. For the first time, he got to enjoy the Christmas magic through his children’s eyes rather than being distracted by nauseating pain.
You can imagine how joyous our first session in January was. Seth delighted in telling me all about his first pain-free family celebrations. It was no surprise, though, that he was feeling slightly nervous about how long this state might last, and whether in time the familiar nagging pain would return. Many of you will recognise that feeling of disbelief, the lurking, fear-fuelled question: is it really over?
From my point of view, this is where the real work begins. I often describe it as similar to the process of peeling an onion. Once the tough outer brown skin is gone, we can start to uncover the other layers one by one. Seth has courageously done just that. He’s recognised his perfectionism, his constant need to be busy and productive. He’s trying to spend more time with his children and also with his wife as a couple.
We’ve been looking at many aspects of his business in order to help streamline things and ease his stress at work. Throughout our sessions, Seth has continued his daily - sometimes several times a day - practice of talking to his dad in his head and asking him what he might do in certain situations. When he’s faced with any difficult issue or isn’t sure what to do, Seth habitually asks his father for guidance. He’s done this for as long as he can remember.
Last week I asked Seth to experiment with changing this ongoing conversation. Instead of asking his dad for help, could he consider thanking him for all the wonderful support he gave Seth over the years, and then tell him about the family and the business? Let him know about how much the business has grown, and what a success he, Seth, has made of it. How many family members are involved, all with good, reliable jobs. The venture into commercial building and how that continues to flourish.
Seth looked doubtful and shook his head. ‘That’s not my way, I couldn’t do that.’ I left it with him, expecting him to dismiss the idea. Imagine my surprise when, the following weekend, I received this message:
Hi Mags, I just wrote my letter to my dad, not my usual asking for help or to look out for me like normal. Just spoke to him like an update, to fill him in on what’s going on at home and what I’m at etc. I’ve re-read it about ten times and it’s hard to explain, but it’s hit different! In a good way, it’s as if it’s settled me or something. I don’t know. But anyway, I guess I just wanted to say thanks for your suggestion of doing this, it’s really changed something within me.’
At our next session we discussed this change. It felt like a coming of age: Seth had released himself from something and stepped into his own potential. It was he who’d built the commercial business, not his father. His dad wouldn’t understand half the things Seth is responsible for today. Until I brought it up, Seth had never considered any of this. Overcoming his initial reluctance and writing that letter helped him to see that acknowledging his own progress and success didn’t diminish the supportive start his dad gave him.
That letter cleared the way for Seth to move on. Now it’s time for him to confidently walk, pain free, in his own shoes.